we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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