Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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