I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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