Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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