I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
