why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
