He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
