It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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