I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
