is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
