how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
