And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
