My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
