we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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