My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Houston, we have a squirter
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
