Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
