fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
