he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
