sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
