I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
