Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
