great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
