He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
