Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
