I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
