My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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