His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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