I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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