I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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