Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
