On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
