3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
