would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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