your parents love me but you hate me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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