Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
