So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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