Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
