Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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