My liver just broke up with me...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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