I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
