"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
