dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
