I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
