You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
