I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
