I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
