you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
