I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
