Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
