I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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